The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
