Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize