I need to stop coming to work sober
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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