just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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