He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
