Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
