Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
