She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
