I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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