you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize