well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
