Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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