Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
