Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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