Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
