oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Ketchup is God's man juice
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
