Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
