I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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