And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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