You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
