You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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