I met the friendliest cop last night
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
