Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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