I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
