We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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