We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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