She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
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