my room smells like sperm. sweet.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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