If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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