ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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