Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
