you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
