i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
