my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
