Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
