I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
