Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
