As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
