Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
