I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
