My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
