I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
