What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
