How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
