There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
