I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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