Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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