how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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