Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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