Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize