Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize