remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize