i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
