if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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