I wish they made helmets for livers.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
