I could have mohawked her pubes.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
